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Top 10 Drunken Stories by Chris Hight

Kids, alcohol is bad. It can change people into maniacs and sex fiends and chain-smokers, and there is no denying that alcohol is the catalyst to the greatest nights ever forgotten. This list is made up of stories I’ve heard and nights I’ve been apart of. They all revolve around a group of friends and their alcohol-fueled nights. This is the top 10 drunken stories:

Drunken Stories by Chris Hight

10. The Merchant of Venice:

I was lucky enough to study in London a few summers back. I enjoy Shakespeare, as did a few of my peers, so one night we went to the theater to see a performance of “The Merchant of Venice” starring Sir Patrick Stewart. The show was incredible and afterwards we went to a nearby pub. Four pints in and we had completely forgot about the game of darts we had started. A man came up behind us and asked if he could join our game. I turned around and there was Captain Picard in Star Fleet uniform asking me permission to come aboard the bridge. In truth, Sir Patrick Stewart was in normal clothes with a pint in hand and that classic smile on his face. I couldn’t speak, but thankfully my friends were less star struck. We ended up playing two games of cricket and having a few more pints with Mr. Stewart. Every time I get together with those friends we reminisce about the time we got to hang out in London at pub with one of the Greatest of Greats.


9. Have you ever met Swingers:

Neither have I, but Jason has and this is his story, 30 beers between two dudes in a jacuzzi sounds like recipe for a bromantic night. Throw in a chubby couple and a gorgeous Swedish woman and you have something else entirely. Bryan and I were at the pool by his house, chilling in the jacuzzi. We were talking with two boring girls when John, Hannah and Adelia walked up. John and Hannah were married, so when Hannah grabbed Harry by the crotch and tried to drag him away, I was a little surprised to say the least. She looked at me and said, ‘my husband and I have both had Adelia. She’s wonderful. You should have her too.’ Harry is loyal to his girlfriend. The last I saw of him that night was his back as he moped away home, while Adelia ripped my shirt off and threw me down on her bed. I’ll never forget that night, or the chlamydia test I suffered through the next day.

8. Last Night was Crazy:

Around 4:30 in the morning on a Saturday, Sean stumbled into our apartment, his pants covered in dirt with his shirt buttoned unevenly. He mumbled a few words and went facedown on the living room floor. The next morning, we found Sean cleaned up and showered, sipping Irish coffee with a grin. “Sean, last night was crazy.” He shrugged and admitted he didn’t remember anything.
This was typical for him, but I’d witnessed many of his forgot nights and none were quite as unique as the “Old Lady with the Nachos”. Our group realized on the way back from the bar that Sean was missing. The first time this happened we were genuinely concerned, but it had become such a standard part of his Friday’s that we dismissed his absence with nothing more than a laugh. Although he wasn’t truly missing, only distracted by a food truck specialized in nachos. It was run by an old woman. She wasn’t ugly, but there is no denying she was old. Sean has an affinity for nachos. Extra cheese and no sour cream, the two of them were sitting together feeding each other. I stopped to stare and watched Sean grab the old lady’s wrinkled face and kiss her greasy nacho-lips. They proceeded to roll around on the curbside sucking face. I started to feel queasy so I left them to their business. I recanted the story to Sean that morning. “That explains a lot. Now I know where this picture came from.” He pulled out his phone and showed us a picture of the old women, topless, on a rooftop with the San Francisco skylight behind her. She was holding two plates of nachos.

7. Outdoor Adventures:

My friends and I are part of a club called Outdoor Adventures. One weekend we rented two cabins and stuffed 40 people in each. The nice part of having so many people around is that there is always someone ready and willing to share a drink with you. We deemed one cabin “The Party Cabin” and the other “The Sleeper Cabin”. In other words, rage in one and sleep in the other. We were in the mountains so the garage served as a giant fridge. We stuffed it full to the ceiling with every alcohol you can buy, it was a beautiful sight, and it flowed late into the morning. I woke up on twin bed with a girl on each side of me; feeling like a train had smashed into my head. I didn’t realize i was naked until I was standing on the front porch nursing a Gatorade, but I didn’t care. I was more worried about the eviction notice I found on the front door. The charges were as follows: noise violation, overpopulation of rented property and disturbing the wildlife. Apparently a few especially outgoing individuals had been chasing rabbits and deer at sunrise. The second night was our last night and we stuffed all 80 of us into one 15 person cabin. I have never felt more cozy than that night, cuddled up on the floor, surrounded by my best friends.

6. Fun-gulf Carts:

Everyone knows how fun golf carts are, but hijacking them and wrecking havoc on a moonlit back-nine? Well, that’s just epic.
It was a family reunion and I was too young to be drinking, but the bartender never said no and all the adults were to irresponsible to care. The clubhouse was stuffy so my cousins and I stumbled outside on a veranda overlooking an immaculately groomed golf course. I spotted them first and it only took a glance for everyone to hop on board. They were quick even with three people on the bench seat and two hanging off the back of each. The fairways were smooth as glass and we were happy, drifting and bumping and crying from laughter. I’m surprised it took the security guard as long as it did to chase us down, but honestly, what did he expect to do. He screamed and flashed his little spotlight, but even with our golf carts overflowing with bodies, he wasn’t fast enough to catch us. It was Need for Speed meets Sunday Golf. We had paid the course a ridiculous amount of money to rent it out for the night, so we never got more than a slap on the wrist. Ah, to be an under-aged, those were the days.

5. Fun-filled Wedding Relations:

 Weddings are fun, but they’re even better when you’re the only groomsman who’s not in a relationship. The only thing more palpable than love at a wedding is the longing for love, and alcohol of course. There was an open bar and a crowded dance floor, and they were my two homes for the night. After the reception, the wedding party hopped in a limo to take us back to the hotel. I was the only groomsman left in the suite with three bridesmaids; everyone else had gone to bed. We popped some champagne and they all complimented me on my dancing at the reception and they wanted to see more. So we danced and clothes came off, and then I woke up wearing nothing except my shoes. I stood up and the wall mirror revealed that they had left me with some sharpie drawings. The most masterful was a penis that came up from chest, across my cheek and ended next to my mouth.

4. My Friend disappeared in Vegas:

When one of your friends disappears in Vegas, they’re usually in jail or with a hooker. Thankfully for Mike, tonight it was the latter. We found him downtown outside of a hotel talking to a particular sweaty prostitute. He introduced us to his new friend and filled us in on the story that she was half way through telling. She continued: “when I got up to the room, the door was open so I just walked in. The guy was laying on the bed facedown and under the covers. I thought he was dead, but then he asked me if I had much experience with anal sex. I asked him why and he pulled back the sheets. Sticking out of his ass was a champagne bottle. Thin end out. He paid me five hundred dollars to pull it out and not tell anyone. Easiest trick I ever turned.”

3. I Love Pranks:

What’s a good house party without a prank or two. I love pranks. Especially when they aren’t pulled at my expense. Alex loved Tyson’s frozen chicken strips. They were his favorite drunk meal. The party was for his roommate’s new job in New York, so the whole crew had gathered for the festivities and farewells. Garrett loved those chicken strips too, but he loved messing with Alex more. The mistake was leaving them cooked and unattended. Garrett scooped up two strips. One he ate, and the other he dropped down the back of his pants, bare butt to breading. He walked outside to grab himself a beer, came back and took a seat on the couch, wiggled around a bit and put the tainted strip back on the plate. Alex ate the whole plate. And he threw it all back up when we told him.

2. Camping–My Favorite:

Oh, camping. An excuse to drink and be loud and not take showers. I’m not a survivalist, and that’s why I brought John along. Plus he can keep pace with me in the bottle. So as the Fireball started flowing, my friends started dropping. One, two, four went down, until it was only John and me and six passed out dudes around the campfire. The tent I was sleeping in was old and ripped up. The duct-tape I had used to tape it all together was sitting in the cup holder of John’s chair, and like a predator swooping on prey, or more like an asshole being an asshole, John began taping the six drunkards to their chairs. When he was satisfied, he filled me in on his plan. My job was to wake everyone up gently and secretly while John rustled around our food stores like a bear. I had never heard so many grown men screaming like little children in my life. Hank was the only one who tried to get up and run, but his legs were taped and he fell, toppling over half the group. Their screams woke the entire campground and got us fined USD200. Totally worth it.

1. Kyle Loves Vegas:

Unfortunately, drinking too much in sin city can get you in some trouble if you aren’t careful. For example, like waking up in the morning with no memory of the night before and rolling over to find a creature drooling on the pillow next to you. Kyle was new to it all and rolling over to see Ester and her snuggle-tooth was his threshold. He threw up all over her and the bed and the side-table, and to this day will deny that any of it ever happened. But pictures don’t lie. Debauchery and drunkenness are not mutually exclusive, but oh how well they fit together. I hope you enjoyed my tales of inebriation, and I’m sure you have some of your own. Send them to us and we’ll create a Reader’s Top 10 Drunken Stories. Remember, always drink in moderation, be safe and never drive while intoxicated. The risk is not worth your life.